the journey

I made it. I'm here in Manila at my first spot for 6 hours including sleep and thenoff to Lipa City to start the vegetable oil conversion.







Here are my thoughts on the plane.

6/10/08
I’m chasing the sun in suspended animation. 3 hours till Tokyo and already 7 in the air. A flying bus with bathrooms, meals, movies and technology. This is one of the biggest adventures of my life and I can’t quite grasp it. Night classes for 2 years every Monday from 6-9pm and endless hours of struggle trying to learn a language only my Grandparents speak…. Hearing about this Fullbrite Scholarship program since the start and eventually applying as one of 32 people. I was chosen as one of 9 or 10 participants. Persisting.
I made it, and I don’t quite get it. Some things just seem so difficult, so unattainable, and yet right now they are. The endless list of things to do was mostly done, enough was done… more than I ever thought I could accomplish in the last 5 months.

I don’t get it. I made it, but I wasn’t supposed to. Or at least that’s what goes through my head. You can try your best and you will probably never make it, but in continuing on toward a vision, there is joy. Some things will not change in my lifetime, but how we struggle is important for there is joy in the journey. Most Tears now. I am crying and noticing. I made it (at least to this point) and I am glad for that. How many times have I really noticed that I am here now, and that the unmovable or impossible…it wasn’t true? It just felt true. I hope to notice this more and more, to learn to notice even though my habit is otherwise.

I think now that how we do things is more important that what we accomplish. This is because most of learning is failure. It is what doesn’t work. It’s humiliating for us past a certain age. It seems like failure which is usually frowned upon or punished. I don’t think that toddlers would learn to walk if they felt as ashamed of unsuccessful attempts as adults do.
That place where we stop trying and become discouraged, safe, and protected from feeling the humiliation that is heaped upon us…. That place is where we are comfortable. Hiding our pain and protecting it. That is the place where things stop. I had to trust someone in that place and that was one of the best decisions of my life. Now, I am more able to try things that I wouldn’t and that leads me to outcomes I could not have created or imagined on my own. If we could get better at acting in the midst of uncertainty…improvising our lives then new, terrible and surely interesting things will happen. This is what we need if we are to really evolve our minds and our habits beyond the predictable cycles of thoughtlessness, rehearsing the legacy of our best attempts at life, but not going beyond them.

I am off to try and fail. To make a complete fool of myself in yet another situation. I inpire laughter in so many people with my language attempts. I hope to be less shamed, or at least grow accustomed to facing more humiliation and grow more free in the process.
That is what I hope will happen over the next 9 weeks with speaking this foreign language of my grandparents.

Jason at 30,000 feet.